somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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