Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
