your parents love me but you hate me
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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