I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
