My room smells like vodka and shame
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
