He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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