I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
