Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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