so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
