I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
