He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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