this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
