I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
