I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
