i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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