please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
