The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
