That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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