put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
