I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
