you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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