It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
