Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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