On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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