So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
