I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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