Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
