my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
