I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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