I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
