He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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