I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
