I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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