# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
