Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
