Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Randomize
