WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
