I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
