Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
