he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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