I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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