I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
