So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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