Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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