she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
