forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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