She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
