I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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