thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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