The brown eye won't let me do that either.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
