i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
